chang|e one’s mind

i actually don’t know how to finish that phrase.  often, i don’t know how good i am.  and i don’t mean that in a bragging or prideful sense.  i actually don’t know how good i am.  when people say i am musically talented, or that they like my singing or i’m a good guitarist, i don’t know how to take it.  i really can’t tell if they are telling the truth or not.  and i know people will say they’re telling the truth, but it’s hard when you don’t think you’re as good as people say you are.  it’s like no matter how much people say one thing, it doesn’t even matter how many people are saying it; you won’t believe it just because you don’t believe it.

so what’s to be done here?  what happens when you doubt?  are you just supposed to go by what other people say regardless of what you think?  or do you keep striving to be better so that you can actually perform like you think other people perceive you?   or secret third option, do you just give up?  there’s been so many times when i thought about just giving up on music just because i didn’t think i was good enough.  i know i’m totally exposing my insecurity.  but these are thoughts that i have a lot.

when people say i’m good at something, i can’t help but compare myself to other people.  you think i’m good?  better than who?  but then when i find someone better than i am, i immediately think i’m not good at all.  it’s definitely something i just need to get over.  there will always be someone better than i am.  i just gotta get used to it.  i can’t be the best at everything, no matter how much i try to be.  i’ll always be disappointed.

like any great sitcom, misunderstandings make life interesting.  it’s not about intention, it’s about perception.  in other words, it doesn’t matter what you were trying to do, what matters is what other people think or observe you doing.  it’s like when you’re trying to get a piece of string off of someone’s butt when someone enters the room.  they don’t know that you were trying to get a piece of string off of someone’s butt.  all they know is that you were pinching someone’s butt when they came in and if they hadn’t come in, who knows what would’ve happened?

my friend, that’s how rumors get started.  i like saying that phrase.  i think it’s funny.  i think misunderstandings are very entertaining although i know that sometimes they are very very inconvenient.  i remember one time at school we were going to start a rumor that someone punched the dean in the face, but the assistant dean happened to be right behind us so it ended up being the shortest rumor ever.

you know what aggravates me?  this tmz, papparazzi junks.  don’t people have better things to do than speculate and prey on celebrities?  i know the obvious answer is no, they don’t.  i mean, people are obsessed with speculating stories about celebrities.  shoot, i hope when i become famous that people don’t follow me around when i’m with my many girlfriends putting cameras in my face and asking when i’ll settle down and marry.

i’m at the point of making some pretty important decisions in my life.  the thing is, i’ve never really been one to make decisions.  i mean, we’re talking about the guy who takes an hour at target figuring out what kind of play-doh to buy (true story).  so what happens when the decisions aren’t just about kids’ toys but are about something a little more important, such as… let’s say, your life?  how does an indecisive guy make a decision about things that would have a more lasting effect?

normally, i’d be pretty stressed out at this point.  what if i make the wrong decision?  is this what i’m really goign to decide?  am i going to regret it later?  what would someone else do?  hundreds of questions like this would be flooding my mind.  and i realize i’m being pretty ambiguous about what kind of decisions i’ll be making, but perhaps in time i will share.

however, something is different about this time.  i’ve never really been a very assertive or strong-willed person.  i’ve never really had to fight for an opinion (minus my decision to forego med school and law school to go to seminary).  but i feel like these decisions that i’m about to make are pretty clear to me and i’m willing to back them up against anyone who feels like i may be doing the wrong thing.  luckily, no one i’ve talked to thinks i’m doing the wrong thing.  and because i actually have a strong opinion about these changes, i can’t help but think it’s a God thing.  meaning: that God is paving the way for me to make these decisions whether it be the right or wrong choices, and i’m totally cool with that.  i mean, He does know a lot more than i do.  and i’m pretty sure He has my best interest in mind.

so where do i go from here?  we’ll see.  but i have a pretty good guide.  i’m reminded of one of the books in the chronicles of narnia series: the silver chair which i highly recommend.  in it, there’s a character named puddleglum who serves as a guide for 2 human children in narnia.  the kids don’t particularly like puddleglum and find him to be a sort of a killjoy.  they don’t agree with his decisions because they seem so plain or uncertain.  but what they don’t realize is that he has the group’s best interest in mind.  i feel like i’m being led by puddleglum the marsh wiggle.  if i only follow, things will be alright.

it’s time for a special midterm edition of chang|e one’s mind!  all that really means is it’s almost midterm time and i don’t really have time to write a full-out entry so this one will be shorter.  but it’ll be special nonetheless.

i was inspired today.  as is usually the case whenever i get to hear artists speak about their work whether it be music or visual art.  creativity is contagious i feel.  one act of creativity from one person sparks another and so on.  although in my case i feel like the chain ends with me.  like i’ll get inspired and be really excited about writing music or something, but then i get frustrated when i can’t come up with something and then i quit.  i’ve been working pretty hard at getting over that hump though.  i heard some really good music and saw some crazy awesome performance art at an asian american conference called ignite in one of the breakout groups.  it just made me want to go sit in a room and write some music.  i think one of my problems is that i’m pretty eclectic, which i guess could be used as a strength as well.  but because i’m a fan of so many different genres of music, i don’t know what kind of sound i want to pursue as an artist.  if i had my choice, i’d definitely be a non-sexual r&b singer.  but i also love the sound of drums and sick electric guitar riffs.  i think i’ll have to have different kinds of styles.  maybe that will be what separates me from the others.  so look for my album coming sometime in the future.

i met my hero yesterday.  ironically on the same day i went to go see the dark knight.  coincidence?  i think not.

so i was eating dinner at stevi b’s with my church’s college group before we went to go watch the dark knight.  if you don’t know what stevi b’s is, it’s kinda like cici’s pizza.  a cheap pizza buffet place.  anyways, i walk in and order and the dude at the register was (i’m assuming) the manager or someone of equal authority  for that shift.  he’s pretty young, maybe 28 or so.  while taking my order, we see this shopping cart rolling through the parking lot with no one pushing it (probably from the office depot next door or something).  he then begins to tell me the story of how he was working one day and saw a rogue shopping cart fly into the headlight of his car from inside the restaurant.  instantly, we bonded.

fast forward to later on in the meal.  i was drinking water and had already finished my cup so all that was left was ice.  i forgot what i was doing, but i ended up spilling the ice on the table, then on my pants, then on the floor.  literally about 3 seconds later, the dude comes out with a rag and says, “hey, i got that.  don’t worry about it.”  i was like, whoa!!  i like to think he foreknew i was going to spill my cup of ice and followed me around with a rag for the exact moment when it happened.  but i know that for real he was just wiping off the table behind me and just happened to be there with his rag at the moment i spilled it.  i think my version is by far cooler, but either way, isn’t that still pretty awesome?  ok, you may not think so, but all i gotta say is, i may have watched christian bale play batman and save gotham city, but in real life i met a real life hero who wiped down the ice that i spilled a mere 3 seconds after i did it.

(i know, i’m a loser)