chang|e one’s mind

there’s this quote i read the other day and i really liked it:

“Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student.” – George Iles

i thought about it and i realized why i like this quote so much.  i really don’t like people who think they’ve learned all they need to learn.  or at least give off the impression that they can only teach now and are always in an authoritative role over anyone and everyone.  my favorite professors have been the ones that learn as much from students as we do from them.  there’s something so much more respectable about a professor who says to a student, “i’ve never thought about it that way,” or “i’m not sure, i’ll have to look that one up.”  i admire teachers and professors, or anyone for that matter, who are vulnerable enough with their students or subordinates to let them know that they don’t have all the answers.  it’s very comforting to me.  maybe for some people they want an authoritative figure that can answer all their questions, but i like the vulnerable side of authority.  servant leadership is what i think they call it sometimes.

i’ve realized that there are people in my life that just don’t have that teachable spirit.  and i think it’s kinda sad.  sad that they seem to refuse to be taught and sad that they don’t seem to want to learn anymore cause there’s just so much out there to experience and learn.  and yet, in my sadness, i’m also angry.  angry that people could be so close-minded and so focused on being the one at the top that looks down on everyone else.  dah!  so much respect lost for those people.

sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and i think, “wow, you’re still just a kid.  no matter how grown and mature you think you are, you’re still just a kid.”  most of the time, looking in the mirror wearing a suit triggers this.  i can’t help but think, “you’re not an adult.  you still look  like a kid playing dress up.”  i look at my friends around me and realize how “adult” they look when they dress up.  me?  i feel like a kid.  a fish out of water.  playing with the big kids.  running with the big dogs.  and whatever other euphemisms there are for being out of my league.

i’d like to think it’s not just my “emo-ness” peering out of those moments.  i like to think i just don’t look good in suits.  there’s just something about the suit that makes me not who i am.  out of my element.  a kid in a candy store.  …ok, maybe i took it one too far.  but you know what i mean.

what further perpetuates this idea of me being a kid are the lessons that i am continuing to learn (which is another blog for another day).  i’m still trying to figure out life as a kid would.  somehow i missed all these lessons that kindergarden taught me and am having to relearn them.  now if you’ll excuse me, it’s naptime so i’m gonna grab a juicebox and watch pbs til i fall asleep.

this post probably isn’t what you think it’s about.  unless you think it’s about my vision when i’m dreaming.  then it is exactly what you’re thinking about.  i guess it would sound more like it’s about dreams and visions for the future, which i probably should be thinking about more than what my vision is like when i’m dreaming.  hmmm… i wonder where my priorities are.  and as much as i don’t like one republic anymore as a result of radio/tv overplay (right tony?) and crappy live performance, i decided to use their album cover for the purposes of this blog.

anyways, i had this dream last night that was pretty interesting.  the content was interesting, but i was more interested in what i saw.  or rather, how i saw.  you know when your contacts, or your eyes are dry and you have to keep blinking really hard to keep them from drying out?  my whole dream was like that.  i would be doing stuff and things would be a little blurry.  i woke up a couple times during the night and the first thing i would do would be to blink to get that dry-ness out of my eye as if i was wearing contacts, but my eyes weren’t dry at all and i certainly wasn’t wearing contacts.

then i thought about it some more.  wow, in my dreams, i have 20/20 vision.  i don’t remember ever wearing glasses in my dreams.  it’s kinda cool that in my dreams at least, i have perfect vision.  i guess it would suck if all my dreams were blurry.  i’d wake up confused every morning.  what were all those colorful shapes saying to me in my dream?

i remember someone saying that you can’t dream in color.  but i definitely do, and i know a lot of people do.  bunch of liars they are!  i thought i was special for dreaming in color.  i can smell, taste (i think i have), hear, and i’m not sure about feeling.  i think i could.  i’ll have to keep that in mind the next time i lucid dream.

do you dream in color?

i’m a pretty laid back guy i think most people would agree.  i’m also very forgetful.  i was wondering today if these things go together.  maybe i’m laid back simply because i’m forgetful.

friend: are you not stressed right now?

me: stressed?  why would i be stressed?

friend: well, tomorrow’s the deadline for the assignment

me: deadline?  what deadline?

friend: wow, unbelievable.  good luck.

i forget a lot of things.  i don’t know what i did last night.  i have no clue what i did today.  i couldn’t tell you what i did an hour ago.  and i definitely won’t be able to tell you in 5 minutes what i’m doing now.  it trips me up when people ask me history questions: “what did you do this past weekend?” “what’d you do today?” “when did so-and-so happen?”  seriously, i can’t really tell you the answer to these questions very well.  what you’ll probably get from me is, “it was… good.”  not because it was a great past experience, but because i have no idea what i did and i’m giving an answer to appease your curiosity.

so i’m pretty laid back.  i wonder if it’s by choice.

i think i have an understanding of what it means to be drunk.  and not only that, but to drive drunk.  take it easy, i wasn’t drunk.  before any rumors go out about how “pastor” enoch was driving drunk, let me explain:

so my roommate asked me to take him to marta (metro atlanta rapid transit authority) at 5:30 so he could go to the airport.  i woke up at 5:30 and helped him carry his suitcase down to my car.  i think it was raining, i don’t really remember.  so we drive to the marta station, we’re talking, i’m driving, and it hits me.  i am not aware of anything i am doing.  did i just ask a question?  oh crap, if i did ask a question, did my roommate just answer?  what was the question?  where am i going?  did i pass it?  did i just run a red light?  are my headlights on?  am i going to die?

and with this, we safely made it to the marta station, he gets off and i drive home, totally unaware of anything that just happened or is about to happen.  i think i swerved a little bit.  i was trying so hard to focus on driving and making it back home in one piece.  i think this is one of the most tiredest i have ever been.  i couldn’t help but think, “thank God i’m a good driver.”  i felt like i was on autopilot.  i check my blindspots without having to think about it, put my windshield wipers on, turned on my headlights (i think).  i parked and went upstairs and passed out in my bed.  i could literally feel my brain stop tensing up as it turned itself off for me to go to bed.  then i woke up and my power went out.

“what just happened?  I’m so confused right now.  did i just drive through a tornado?  did my roommate make his flight?  am i alive right now?  did that all just happen?”

i was so confused i kept flicking on light switches even after i knew the power was out.  i’d say things to myself like, “at least i can still use the internet,” or “maybe i’ll cook something,” or “i know, maybe i’ll just take my mind off of this by watching some tv.”  wow, i was so out of it.

wow, i never want to be drunk.  ever.