chang|e one's mind

i wrote a song… in my mind

revelation

with 4 comments

the night sky had a dark purplish hue.  a cool, chill breeze flowed through the open windows and sunroof of my car.  the ride was quiet, even with music playing from my ipod.  i hardly even noticed it was on.  “i must be pretty deep in thought,” i thought to myself when i realized i hadn’t been singing along to the miss vintage song playing in the background.  “but what am i thinking about?”

part of me was thinking about my birthday tomorrow.  “is it my birthday already?  i feel so unprepared for it, it just feels like any other day tomorrow.  will tomorrow be a different day than today was?  why should it be?”

another part of me was thinking about this past week, my birthday week.  “how has it measured up?  has it been different from any other week?  what did i do this week?”  a smile crept across my face while the crosswind continued to graze my cheek as i realized, “yeah, it has been an exceptional week.  i couldn’t have asked for a better week to have my birthday on.”  instantly in my mind, the past week came like a flashback.  i had fun leading worship and worshiping on sunday, i got to see my parents and have dinner with them, and i think the best part(s) of the week were the conversations i’ve had with different people.  hearing different encouragements of how people have seen God working in their lives and in the lives of others, catching up with old friends, having fun with others, and then there was tonight.

as i was turning into QT to fill up on gas, i realized my brow was furrowed as if in deep thought, or trying to recollect some piece of information stored deep in my mind.  i had hardly noticed i was in deep thought when i snapped out of it long enough to fill up on gas which was the lowest i’ve seen it in the past couple weeks.  while filling up, i noticed my eyebrows would continue to subconsciously come together as if to say, “proceed to think about what you were thinking about before.  keep going, i won’t let you stop until you’ve wrapped your mind around this.”

so i finished filling up, replaced the nozzle, reset my travel odometer and continued home.

“so what happened tonight?” i couldn’t stop thinking.

i had dinner with a friend tonight.

“and…?”

and we talked.

“about what?”

i pulled onto the interstate thinking about what we talked about, trying to recollect every detail, every sentence, every subtext and emotion portrayed.  “we talked about some personal things.  things that don’t come out in normal conversation.”  he had poured out his soul to me.  everything.  i was glad i chose to share dinner with him instead of running home and eating alone.  i did my best to remember my stephen ministries training.  don’t talk.  just listen.  ask questions.  don’t butt in.  don’t talk about yourself.  this is about him.  and i was proud of myself when i realized, looking back at the conversation, i followed these rules without even thinking about it.  we talked about how ugly the human condition is.  how dark we can be.  how self-reliant and unappreciative and selfish and prideful we can be.  i couldn’t help but be filled with compassion when he shared his heart with me.

i was concerned.  i was concerned for him mostly, but started to realize that i was concerned with myself as well.  how willing was i to show compassion on my friend?  i very much willing.  despite the darkness of the human condition, how much more willing is God to show compassion on me?  on us?  it’s almost as if God says, i know how much you’ve been struggling, i know how much you’ve been running away, i know how far you’ve gone.  but even still, no, not even that, not “even still” but rather “i don’t even care about what you’ve done”.  it doesn’t even matter to me how far you’ve run away from me or how much you’ve tried to do things on your own, i want to show compassion, i desire to give you grace.  i want you to know you always have a place with me and that i will always want to love you with no condition and with no end.

i could feel my brow starting loosen as my exit was approaching.  a smile started to appear on my lips.  my intense thinking session had come to an end.  my heavy burden of pondering had produced a lightness of a smile.  so, my birthday’s tomorrow.  does it matter how it turns out?  does it matter how good a day it is?  does it matter how many phone calls or facebook messages i get?  not really.  i had a revelation tonight.  i got to experience first-hand, God’s grace.  and i don’t think any amount of birthday wishes or presents or well-wishers can top what God has shown me tonight.  it has indeed been a great birthday week.

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Written by enoch

October 8, 2008 at 10:10 pm

Posted in from my mind

4 Responses

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  1. 🙂

    heej

    October 9, 2008 at 1:47 am

  2. Word up!!!

    and, happy birthday!!

    hg

    October 9, 2008 at 2:07 am

  3. good post!

    you know after 25….i forgot how old i am. i kept confusing myself for 27.

    dtongkas

    October 9, 2008 at 9:00 am

  4. Nice post man!

    Andrew

    October 9, 2008 at 11:48 am


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