chang|e one's mind

i wrote a song… in my mind

wrestling with grace pt. 1 of many

with 3 comments

grace_candle_logoi grew up thinking that something was always wrong with me, that i was never good enough.  there was always something i was doing wrong.  something that needed to be criticized.  it was put in my mind that i should never be content and there was no reason why i should be given anything freely.  i was to work hard for anything i was to receive and when i did, it just wasn’t good enough.

all this to say: it’s hard for me to accept grace.  after years and years of being a follower of Jesus, the concept of grace is still elusive to me.  i mean, isn’t there some kind of standard we are judged by?  like, the standard that we judge others by?  for instance, i can judge murderers and criminals because they deserve it.  they deserve my judgment and don’t deserve anything good.  isn’t that the way it works?  you can separate who deserves things and who doesn’t?  it’s pretty easy really.  i’m sure we could set up some system to get this accomplished.  good people on the right, bad people on the left?  good people get favor, esteem, respect and bad people get scorn, judgment, punishment?

it makes so much sense.  why is grace so different?  you mean that murderers and criminals deserve something good too?  wait a minute, not only that, but you’re saying that me, someone good, never deserved anything good?  no wonder why it’s so problematic.  but can i believe Jesus without believing in grace as well?  not saying that i have to believe in grace because i believe in Jesus as an add-on.  but these things go together.  i can’t just believe Jesus died for my freaking awfulness without also believing that i was undeserving of him doing that.  and i can’t say that Jesus died only for me and good people when Jesus associated himself with bad people.  wow, no wonder why grace is so hard to understand.


Written by enoch

May 12, 2009 at 10:00 am

Posted in from my mind

3 Responses

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  1. heyyy, this goes under that topic of my closed heart. i struggle with it too..


    May 12, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  2. grace has absolutely nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God. that’s why it’s so hard for us to accept/understand. b/c we are focused on ourselves and doing things by our own power. i think it’s especially hard for westerners who have the mindset that you should be independent and self-sufficient and everything is within your own power. it’s hard for us just to accept things.


    May 12, 2009 at 12:58 pm

  3. yeah i agree grace is so mind boggling


    May 12, 2009 at 11:11 pm

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