chang|e one's mind

i wrote a song… in my mind

i’m a good driver

with 3 comments

sorry, this is a long one.  just watch the 2:19 video if you don’t have time to read it all 🙂

we’ve all heard this before.  shoot, maybe we’ve all said this before.  but what does it actually mean?  there are many kinds of “good” drivers out there.  here are a few i came up with:

good time: you think you’re a good driver because you can get to places quick.  if you’re caravan-ing, people don’t like to follow you because they know you’ll lose them because to you, they’re “slowing you down”.  you might get a couple of honks from other drivers who don’t share the same views you do on making good time.  you burn people at the light, and you take every car that passes you as a challenge to race.  your strengths: long, across-state road trips.  weaknesses: you can be perceived as kind of a jerk on the road.

good safety: you make people feel comfortable that you’re driving.  people can fall asleep in your car because they know that when they wake up, they’ll still be there.  you actually use your blinkers, don’t tail too closely, stay in the right lane when not passing, and know exactly what to do at a 4-way stop or intersection where the power has gone out.  people aren’t “double-checking” every turn and lane-change you make to make sure you’re not going to collide into another car.  strengths: peace of mind.  weaknesses: you’re not going to win any races or get any cool points.

waaaaaay too good safety: everyone in your car must buckle up before you leave the parking lot/driveway.  you don’t care how slow you go as long as you and your car get there in one piece.  no, not even that.  you and your car must get there without the slightest sign of a scratch or even bird dropping.  it’s actually more dangerous for you to be on the road with all your safety than to just let someone else drive.  people honk at you for going to slow. strengths: extremely safe.  weaknesses: waaaaay too safe that it’s dangerous.

good car awareness: you know that your suv/minivan/monster truck is going to make into that tiny compact car spot because you know exactly how wide your car is.  not only do you park in that spot, but the lines on both side are equidistant to the sides of your car.  your rims do not have a scratch on them because you’ve never hit the curb while taking a u-turn or parallel parking.  you’ve never hit a car, cars hit you.  strengths: impresses the ladies/gents.  weaknesses: who does this?  frankly, you seem like the type of person who might be a little uptight.

good music: people love to ride in your car because they know they’ll have a good time.  maybe not necessarily for the music, but for some reason, people are lining up to ride in your car over someone else’s because they know that the other driver is not going to be as fun as you are.  people would rather sit in the middle of your back seat (even if its a 2-door) over shotgun in a 2-door sports car of someone else’s car because they don’t want to miss a moment of the party going on in your car.  strengths: party!  weaknesses: can be a little distracted from the road, easily gets lost.

good directions: no gps for you.  you know exactly where you’re going.  you have an excellent sense of direction and seldom get lost.  you usually lead caravans.  google maps?  HA!!  you laugh in google map’s face!  all you need is your compass (or sun, if you’re really good) and you’re good to go.  unlike other people, when you say you know exactly where you are, you actually know exactly where you are.  strengths: never lost.  weaknesses: definitely not going to be as fun as the good music car.

good sanitation: what’s that smell?  vanilla and lavender?  and what’s that?  you actually have a trash receptacle in your car?  your car has its own kleenex box instead of being stuffed with old mcdonalds* napkins?  my gosh, i’ve never seen such a clean car!  no matter how junky your car looks on the outside, it’s 5-star resort on the inside.  people actually feel bad for having to get in your car after playing sports or walking through some mud.  strengths: my goodness it’s clean in here!  weaknesses: people probably aren’t allowed to eat in your car, plus you probably won’t be able to find any buried treasure in your seat cushions.

good stick driver: that’s right, i had to give you a category all to yourself.  although you also might be one of the above, when people get in your car, they don’t even realize they’ve stepped into a manual transmission car until they finally locate the gear shift.  from first to second gear with such ease!  extra points for being able to text/call/eat/fold your laundry while driving.  extra extra points for being a female (not to be sexist, i just find it to be more of a rarity to find women who drive exceptionally well in a manual car.  am i right guys?).  strengths: you’re awesome anyways, what more do you want?  weaknesses: none that i can think of, maybe a little condescending for the “normy’s” out there who drive automatics.

good God!!: you actually think you’re a good driver?  my gosh, what made you think that?  not only are you horribly unsafe and don’t follow the rules of the road, but your car smells like… (sniff sniff) is that honey mustard?  you must rethink your profession because you should be fired from being a motorist.  you obviously did not pay attention in driver’s ed because you 1) stay in the passing lane when not passing anyone while going 10-15 mph below the speed limit, 2) have had your left blinker on for the past 5-6 miles EVEN when you changed into the right lane, 3) think that you have some kind of rocket car where you can turn in front of my car when i’m in the middle of the intersection, 4) park so close to my car that i can’t open my door, or better yet, take up two spots in a full parking lot, 5) take my spot at the mall when i was obviously waiting for the car to come out when i signaled and had been sitting there for the last 3 minutes, 5) keep driving down a lane that is ending even when there is no road left just so you can cut ahead of a couple more cars and stop all the traffic behind you.  yes, there are many, many, many more reasons why you are a horrible driver and the words, “good” and “driver” should never come out of your mouth except when using the comparative of good: better.  as in, “i wish i was a better driver.”  strengths:  wow, really?  you think you have strengths?  weaknesses: too many to name

what kind of “good” driver are you?

*not the farmer, the fast food chain.


Written by enoch

June 16, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Posted in social observation

3 Responses

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  1. “(sniff sniff) is that honey mustard?” hahaha.

    Dude that video was really hard to watch. The roads must have reeeally been iced over. Watching that first car driving like a pinball was aggravating. But I think he/she knew somewhat more than the other drivers by not braking but trying to accelerate out of harms way–though it sounded like he/she was slamming the accelerator a bit too hard.


    June 17, 2010 at 3:21 am

  2. Oh Crickey!


    June 17, 2010 at 9:09 am

  3. i’m the kind of a good driver that lets other cars be aware of my presence by owning a bright yellow car.


    June 17, 2010 at 10:32 am

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